FollowStarting over means admitting that your last attempt was a failure. That’s a lot harder than you might think, especially when you have tasted some success. So, here goes nothing: I have failed, and I am going to start over.
This post is very personal. You might say, gosh Anna, all of your posts are personal, they are about you! But this one is different. This one is painful. If you read past this point, please keep in mind how raw this is. If you can’t do raw stop here. If you are thinking about commenting on this post, stop and think it through. Empty “we’re here for you Anna’s” are like tiny little daggers at this point. I know you are here for me if you are my friend. I have amazing friends who never leave me wondering about that. I love you guys for that. This comment section is for those who felt this post personally, who see some of this in their own lives, and who might want to actually hold my hand and walk with me.
Big breath. This is difficult.
From the beginning of 2009 through May of 2012, I lost 100 lbs. At that time I still had almost 100 lbs left to lose, but I was feeling great.
And then I wasn’t. Over the last 3 years all the weight has come back and brought with it so much more than inches and pounds.
So it’s time to start over. It’s BEEN time to start over. But I’ve been dragging my feet. I want to do this again, only this time I want to do a lot more than lose weight and get healthy. I want to learn the underlying reason why I always return to my current state. Why do I eat? Why? Really why? Oh, I can try and justify it. “I’m celebrating, I’m grieving, I’m tired, I’m busy, I deserve it, I’ll do better tomorrow, I’ll start again on Monday, I joined in with the kids, I joined in with my friends…” I’m really good at justifying why I eat. I’m so good at it that at times I even convince myself.
So I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching. My journal is full of what-if’s. As long as I’m searching I don’t have to really DO anything about it, right? Can’t start til I’m ready, til I know what to do…
The truth is—and here comes the really raw part—I am addicted. Not addicted to food, no, that’s not it. I am addicted to being fat.
As long as I’m fat, I’m safe. As long as I’m fat, no one is going to look up to me. As long as I’m fat, no one will expect any more from me than what I am doing right now. Here, fat, and comfortable in this mediocre existence I am like Jonah. Safe and secure in the belly of a big, fat fish. And as long as I’m here I don’t have to be the person that God has been pleading with me to be.
I have tears flowing down my face as I write this. I’m not dissatisfied with my life. I love my job, I have the best family and friends anyone could ever want. I am blessed. But I know—I have known—that God has something He wants me to do, and I have been running from it. It’s time to lose this protective shell and stop hiding. I am ready.
Anna, I have experienced the same thing you are experiencing I am going through the same thing you are going through. I just started my 24 day challenge on the 13th of this month. I’m doing exercises at home now. I’m not ready to go back to camp, I feel embarrassed because I’ve put on so much weight i’m even heavier than I was when I started boot camp the first time, in 2013 I got the transformation of the year award I don’t even know where that person is anymore. I know how hard your post was , it was hard for me to admit it too, but reading your post has made it very easy to share my story with you because I know ,like me you know my pain. I would love to do this journey with you we can support each other good luck and God bless.
Wow, I know how hard that must have been to write, but as always, I’m SO glad you found the courage to write it.
Even though you might think no one is looking up to you – you have always been an inspiration to me. I love your sense of humor, your focus and your passion for life. You do SO much for others, sounds like it’s time to truly focus on YOU. You have the strength, determination and spirit to conquer this battle in your life that’s kept you from really achieving all those amazing things God has in store for you! It starts with one day at a time, but wow, before you know it, you will be well on the path of your incredible journey.
Love you SO much and I really miss you at Warrior Fit Club! Anything I can do – PLEASE let me know!! You are, and will ALWAYS be, AWESOME Anna! HUGE HUGE {{hugs}}!!
Anna – I left a message on FB but I really wanted you to know how much you are missed at Warrior and how much of an inspiration you have been. I truly understand the ups and downs of the weight loss issue and like you am addicted to being bigger than I should be. It is safe and is a comfort zone – every time I get down in size, it never seems enough in the first place and never seems like I will reach the end of the journey. Then the roller coaster begins going back up again and I start all over. I always say I will start again on Monday. And it’s a good thing Monday always rolls around.
I know you can do this and I hope you know that I am always here for you and believe in you.
Love you and Miss seeing your Smiling Face!!!!
Anna, tears stream down my face as I read this post. I know I have said this before but I feel you need to hear it again so here goes….I am a stronger, healthier and overall better person because of you! My first week at Warrior Fit and I walk into a challenge and couldn’t even do a bootcamp crunch but you were in beast mode. After you were finished you stayed to encourage me to finish and I did. So, you are truly mistaken if you think no one looks up to you!
Please know that I am happy to walk with you on your journey. You know the road…get back on it and reach your destiny.
Anna, I just met you at personally at Jubilee in August. But I looked up to you when I saw the Tupperware website launch video, you explained in I remember watching it with such excitement, thinking, I with I worked with her! I would love to do what she does, you made it look so fun! I could tell YOU were fun and so smart just by the video! Then I went to the Tupper Tech classes at Jubilee, and you being on of the “big wigs” like you were, probably wouldn’t have time for a “consultant” like me… Not that I thought you’d be a snob from the video, but that you really wouldn’t have time… but you did. You were/are awesome, helpful, friendly, cheerful, energizing, funny… I just wanted to soak up all of your knowledge! I believe you are usable and God is using you as you are now. I also believe that we (yikes, me too) need to be the best we can be and the more we get inline with how God wants us to be, the easier it’ll be for God to use us! Thank you for making me think. Good job on what you have and WILL accomplish!