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I’m really opening up here, so please be kind…
I think I may be looking at all of this the wrong way. I’m not trying to lose weight and get fit like someone who needs to lose 20-30 pounds might be. I am trying to beat this disease that tells me that I am and always will be a fat woman, that I don’t deserve to be thin. That probably sounds ridiculous to some of you. But it is pretty close if not spot on to the truth.
Last May when I was at the lowest weight of my adult life, many people noticed. They would stop me in the hall and tell me how great I was looking. I responded with things like, “Thanks!” or “I’m getting there!” But inside I did not like the attention. I did not deserve it. I was the same person I had been when I was 90 pounds heavier, so why did they care so much now? Looking back, I think that’s what made me slide, made me gain back 30 pounds of that loss over the last year.
How do you fix that? How do you make yourself thin on the inside? How do you convince yourself that after being overweight for your entire life that you deserve to be thin? When I figure out the answers to these questions, then I will conquer this disease.
Thank you for sharing, Anna. It is difficult to accept that society is so focused on the external when we remain the same on the inside. However, I’ve been thinking about this a lot because people keep asking me what motivates me to do what I do, and I finally realized that I do what I do for myself physically because it changes who I am on the inside. Our physical health builds our confidence to do something for ourselves, which leads to better mental and emotional health, so it is all very integrated.
Hey Anna – you know I think the world of you and the amazing spirit you bring to bootcamp!
I know for me personally that I will always battle the weight issue in my head. I still remember the “attitude” I had just out of high school, first year in college when I lost 50 lbs. and I remember how good I felt. But I still battled in my head that I was “fat” at 117 lbs! I have never felt thin on the inside…but I can say this…every time I get on a roll to get back down to that 117 and I work out and eat the good stuff…I feel amazing and that “attitude” comes back. That I am worth it and I inspire others around me that they are worth it too. To me that is what life is about…helping not only myself but those around me…and the more I see that I inspire others, I keep myself on track too. Now, I, like you, have gone up the roller coaster and back down and back up again and back down, but when I put myself out there like joining bootcamp and see some results and get that “feel good feeling” it keeps it real for me that I am not perfect but that with continued effort…I make myself a better person by trying.
I still have some weight to lose but I can still kick butt on exercises I could not do a year ago! And I know you can too! You are an inspiration and I know that you have what it takes to achieve whatever goal you set…when that switch is turned on inside of you and you make those good decisions like you did on Saturday about staying at bootcamp and putting off mowing your grass until after you worked out…like working out side by side with your daughter…like all the other many good decisions that you make! That is what you need to focus on ~ The Good Decisions! ~ The goals that you have accomplished ~ The Inspiration that you are to others ~ The Fact That YOU are Worth that SMILE that everyone gives you when they see you!
Thanks for being AWESOME ANNA! Luv Ya!